Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Drafting behind Sam

No, not "drafting" as in "the draft;" drafting as in bike racing. In other words: here's a lazy post of mine.

In case you missed it, here's commenter Sam's handy numerical summary of the basic antiwar positions, presented for your convenience:

I guess we need to be more nuanced when sorting out the anti-war constituency. I know that, as Iraq war supporters, we get tired of being lumped in with the Nazis and the Khmer Rouge all the time. So let's be fair.

List of Anti-War Categories:
1. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, on moral grounds.
2. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, on legal grounds.
3. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, on religious grounds.
4. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, on political grounds.
5. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, on military grounds.
6. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, because it was Bush's idea.
7. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, because it distracts us from the real War on Terror.
8. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, because it distracts us from saving the environment, feeding the poor, rescuing hurrican victims, fixing Social Security, etc.
9. People who oppose the Iraq war specifically, on a combination of the previous grounds.
10. People who oppose any war that the Republicans are involved in because of something or other to do with Big Oil or the Military Industrial Complex.
11. People who oppose any war the United States is involved in on any of the previous grounds.
12. People who oppose any war the United States is involved in because the United States is Bad.
13. People who oppose any war the United States is involve in because the United States is Good.
14. People who oppose any war white people are involved in because Western Civilization is Bad.
15. People who oppose any war anyone is involved in because War Doesn't Solve Anything.
16. People who oppose any sort of definite move anyone's part because actions have unpredictable consequences and it's safer to have endless discussions about the nature of problems rather than taking actual steps to solve them.
17. Wussies.

Did I miss any?

OK, now any anti-war people who show up can simply refer to themselves by these handy numbers and we'll immediately know pretty much where they're coming from.

Next step: A similarly organized list of pro-war counter-arguments. That will really save some disk space.

It will also keep all of us from having to listen to the same freaking discussions over and over and over that we've been enduring since 2003 - evidently without anyone becoming any better or wiser for it.

Imagine a typical comment exchange using this system:

dove01 said...
Hi, I'm a 2, 7, and a bit 13-ish.
2:45 AM, January 32, 2006

sgtslaughter said...
dove01, get real: #14, #7, and #8.
2:46 AM, January 32, 2006

dove01 said...
#8? I just said I was #14.
2:47 AM, January 32, 2006

sgtslaughter said...
Well, #14 is doo-doo.
2:48 AM, January 32, 2006

dove01 said...
Everyone on this blog is stupid.
2:49 AM, January 32, 2006

neo-neo said...
Be nice!
2:50 AM, January 32, 2006

There - my stab at healing the festering wound in America's body politic. Gonna grab some supper, then sort out that global warming thing.


That could save us all a lot of time and energy.

10 Comments:

At 2:47 PM, February 01, 2006, Anonymous notherbob2 said...

The system would not be complete without:

26: Your guy is like Hitler.
27: Your spokesperson sounds like Goebbels.
28: Your spokesperson sounds like McCarthy.
29: The Democrats have no alternate plan.
30: The Republican plan is so bad that any alternative would be better - being specific is unnecessary.
31: I have a poll commissioned by my party that says your party is wrong.
32. Every single thing ever published in recorded history backs my position. (no links)

 
At 2:50 PM, February 01, 2006, Anonymous Nikolaides said...

You need to add a category for the non-sequiturs that repeat themselves so often. For instance:

33. Oh yeah? Well what about Ann Coulter?

 
At 3:01 PM, February 01, 2006, Anonymous SonnyJim said...

Just because I'm a little nit-picky; drafting was invented by Junior Johnson

http://insiderracingnews.com/om080102.html

 
At 5:36 PM, February 01, 2006, Anonymous Independent George said...

If I recall correctly, I think this list actually has its genesis from... Charles Barkley.

I think that back when he played for the 76ers, he had a list of generic press comments posted on the inside of his locker ("We gave 110% tonight", "We've got to cut down on our turnovers", "We're just taking it one day at a time, we don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves", etc."). During a postgame interview, he just pointed to one of the numbers whenever a reporter asked a question.

 
At 7:34 PM, February 01, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the laughs! I was feeling a bit depressed by all the nastiness until I read your list and the commentors' remarks. I feel BETTER!!!

 
At 7:36 PM, February 01, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the laughs! I was feeling a bit down about all the nastiness these day until I read your list and the comments section. Much laughter. I feel better. Thank you!

 
At 11:22 AM, February 02, 2006, Anonymous Clive Davis said...

Brilliant!!!

 
At 1:56 PM, February 02, 2006, Anonymous porcine said...

Ann Coulter? Don't drag the possibly future mother of my children into this...

 
At 2:01 PM, February 02, 2006, Blogger neo-neocon said...

You better hurry, porcine. Ann's 44.

 
At 10:05 PM, February 02, 2006, Anonymous Greg G said...

Those who want any of the groups fighting the US in Iraq to win.

I know this might not be considered "anti-war". Nevertheless you could encounter this type at demonstrations or in blog comments. For example, I seem to recall that some Muslim groups (at least in Britain) took part in anti-war demonstrations when it was clear that they were not so much againsts the war as they were for one of the opposing groups.

 

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